RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS 101: 5 TiPS to Move On After Getting Cheated On

How dare him! After all that I've done, after giving my everything to him because I trusted him so much more than anyone! I just couldn't believe that he will do such infidelity. At first, I did forgive him because I thought he was gonna change but.. *cries for a while*.. What have I done wrong? Am I not good enough as a spouse? As a partner? I wanna know why he constantly cheated on me and hid it to my face, and made me look like an idiot!

You didn't think your relationship would go this way, did you? Your mind wanders back to the days when you were both happy, and contented.  Those moments when you just want to own each other, live under the same roof, and the have best days of eternity with the love of your life. Gradually, your relationship goals came true. You married each other, planned your career ahead, overcame some challenges that went in your relationship's way, had kids, and thought that nothing's gonna break your romance. But then, all of a sudden, things have changed, you noticed that your partner was kinda acting strange. You felt that that there was something odd going on and you didn't want to speculate or anything but your intuition kept knocking at your thoughts. You  discreetly searched for some evidence or things that could fill your suspicions. Until one day, your speculations were answered. 

Your partner was cheating on you for a long time now. And this has brought you nothing but a great heartbreak.

 << plays Six Degrees of Separation by The Script >>

 

Maybe, some questions are rumbling through your mind like, why did my partner cheat? why did my partner become a cheater? who influenced him/her to become a cheater? why did he/she choose to cheat?  all these questions that even your partner can't clearly answer. Firstly, let's analyze the motives of a cheater. In a simple general definition, a cheater is someone who behaves in a dishonest way, to gain advantage. Some might say that being a cheater runs in the blood, while some says that environmental factors play a big role to affect one's thinking. However, if we ponder some thoughts about the simple definition of a cheater, we will already have an answer. Let us start with the question, why your partner behaved such act? In every reaction, there is a possible stimulus to it. Was your partner persuaded and seduced by other girls or boys out there? Did your partner feel like he was an outcast to his friends because he's the only one who's not going to strip clubs or doing infidelity? Or the most possible reason can be, was your partner feeling dissatisfied, unhappy, or disappointed of his/her life choices with you? Most of the time, cheaters might cheat for the first time, out of curiosity.  Former motives could be considered as factors for the behavior. Although, when a person has done it again, it's called "confirmation". And when a person has done it again and again, being dishonest with his/her partner just to "gain advantage of something", it's already called "addiction", sweetie. The latter motive plays a big part for this time.  There might be a void that your partner was trying to fill in.

As a result of the unfortunate incident, aside from deciding to end your relationship and getting a divorce, a person who has been  cheated on might feel devastated, lost, and even traumatized for the happening-- being back to square one, all of the plans to build a long lasting family and marriage went down to the drain.  Being cheated on can emotionally drain you, and even affect your perception of things and trust for relationships.  

Since you have done dumb things before for your partner, you might wanna try these not-so-dumb-just-dumb-ish advices that I collected and took from people who have finally moved on from a wounded heart after being cheated on by their partners.

1. Recognize the Situation 

Sounds dumb, right? Although, most people tend to avoid to recognize the real situation, especially their honest feelings about it. Since the event was too heart-breaking, most people jump to "fake-move-on" stage, where they think that the situation did not  affect them, or worse, some people think that the whole situation did not happen (and everything about the "ex" was erased),  when in reality, it has occurred and done a loooot of damage. In short, recognizing the situation is  the opposite of " denial stage". It is not easy though, after getting fooled by the person you trust the most, pretending to be tough and happy might be the only way to get your self together. However, this won't help you in the long run. Recognize the situation so, you would have a better foundation of moving on. 

2.Let it Out

I mean, the feelings you feel inside. Let it all out. After recognizing the situation, you definitely will feel wrecked. You can call your close friends or relatives to cry on though. Just let your emotions and feelings out. Psychologically, unexpressed emotions will never die, they will be buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways (S. Freud). You don't want the worst to happen, do you? So, it's okay to feel emotional. Like one of my favorite psychologists had said, "Emotion is the chief source of all becoming conscious. There can be no transforming of darkness into light without emotion." Communicate with your most trusted persons aside from your partner, and vent out. Maybe, they might have some nice things to say that can keep you up. After recognizing the situation and letting it all out, eventually, your eyes will get tired from crying. But since your mind might keep on running, here's my number 3 advice you can follow --

3. Make a Productive Routine

Self-care is the key. Make yourself busy by planning your day or week ahead and by doing  physical productive activities. You can try going to the gym and do body work-out, or travelling somewhere, or hiking. Try physical productive activities that will turn your tears to sweats (not shedding tears to drinking beers, okay?)

4. Accept the Situation

From recognizing the incident, feeling all your emotions, letting them all out to doing physical things that would keep your mind occupied by other activities, I advise to finally learn to accept that your partner cheated on you. Maybe, a part of you was ruined like your self-esteem, or trust (If you have a low self-esteem before and it got worse, click here to know ways to improve your confidence). Commercials aside, denying the bad happenings for a long time will only bring the worst in you. On the contrary, acceptance is one of the first steps to realizations and wisdom that can bring you genuine happiness and peace of mind.

5. Don't be Tempted and Don't compare your progress to your ex-partner's

Are you receiving signals of communication with your ex-partner that constantly cheated on you? or, are you in the middle of moving on but it feels like he's taking you back to start again? Is there a temptation you feel, that your mind says "no" but your heart says "oh no, yes"? But then, you just figured out that he's still with another lady? And it just confuses you and downs you again, and you might even think "How the hell can he do that?" "What is he supposed to mean?" "Am I a douchebag to him" (or her** if your wife was the cheater). You might even think like this: your ex was the one who cheated, but you feel like he/she's happier than you do. WHERE THE HELL IS KARMA? Then again, don't compare your progress to your ex partners'. we never know the underlying conflicts happening inside them. But we can always figure out what's happening inside of us. So, focus on your self-improvement. Focus on your goals. Focus on your productivity. Focus on yourself. 

<< plays IDGAF by Dua Lipa >>

If you have done dumb things before, subscribe now to my blog to know more dumb advices that will make you just dumb-ish, in the future. Also, many thanks to CamLee for sharing her own experiences; and helping me to finish this blog. Thanks for reading!

 

-- WAKAS --