5 WAYS TO IMPROVE LoW SELF-ESTEEM

Has it ever happened to you, when you want to raise your hand and answer your professor's question but you don't. Because you think you might be wrong, and you better not speak and shame yourself while the whole class is listening. Or have you ever wanted to join a dance group, but you thought you're not good enough in dancing, so you didn't continue to join the club?

Self-esteem is how we see our own worth and how we feel about our own self. In short, it defines our confidence. According to Maslow, on his theory in Holistic-Dynamic Psychology, Self-esteem reflects a "desire for strength, for achievement, for adequacy, for mastery, and competence, for confidence in the face of the world and for independence and freedom". Having confidence moves individuals and swings us to places we did not think we'll reach, but sometimes, lack of confidence paralyzes us and sticks ourselves to what we're comfortable with, not knowing we're not stepping up for our life due to self-esteem issues. Low self-esteem can leave various impact on our lives. It can make us regret the chances we didn't take due to the doubt we feel inside. But, what really does cause low self-esteem? 

In Erik Erikson's stages of psychosocial development, Erikson theorized that we build our self-esteem from early childhood where we explore the "me do it" stage and we have to establish "independence". For example, as a child, we make simple decisions such as picking the toys we want to have. When we feel appropriate approval of our choices, we build autonomy. However, when we're denied and shamed for our choices, we develop shame and doubt. Another cause of low self-esteem is bullying. Imagine being bullied at an early age, being shamed by other kids or people, acting like your flaws are undeniably unacceptable. You kept on thinking and asking yourself if you really are ugly, or if your color destroys your image, or if that makes you unworthy of respect, or if people won't like you because you're fat and a major loser, and you wouldn't get a girl when you grow up. These criticisms have haunted your mind, and the negative voices have kept to linger until it affected your behavior towards situations, up to where you are now. 

Many people who are experiencing low self esteem have lost great amount of remarkable moments, valuable things, and important persons. These people might even told themselves "I wish I had the courage to do that" or "I wish I had the confidence to grab the opportunity". Accordingly, possessing low self-esteem can disturb a person's mental wellness and even infect his physical health. 

On the other hand, there are ways to improve a person's confidence. Although, improving a person's self-esteem doesn't happen overnight. It's not as if a fairy godmother will appear somewhere and  swing her wands up and down and *poof* You have now acquired a confidence level: 99999. Nah. it doesn't work like that. It won't happen instantly, unless you put effort and work to it (just like how you do with your other goals). So, if you ever wanted to change the "I wish I had" to "Thank Goodness, I tried", here are some dumb-but-not-really-just-dumb-ish advices you can follow:

1. Be logical and rational

The next time you doubt about a situation you really want to do, but your low self-esteem drags you down because you think people will criticize you, breathe and have a reality-check. Analyze if the people will mock you when you fail or if the negative thoughts are just all in your head. Also, the next time you receive criticisms, be rational and introspect if they have better suggestions and if you can use them to improve yourself and be better. If not, then always remember that, most of the time, criticisms are people's projections of their own shadow.  Their hurtful words have nothing to do with you, but it has everything to do with them.

2. Accept yourself

After you've done reality checks, learn to accept your self. Accept your imperfections, blemishes, and weaknesses. Accept every bit of your strength and deficiencies. Think that you are not the only person who has done mistakes, errors and failures. Acceptance leads to many realizations that may take you to where you want to be. You want a great relationship with the girl or boy, you want? Be confident of who you are by accepting yourself first. In that process, you'll learn to accept other people's characters. 

Accept yourself so you can love yourself. Love yourself first, so you can love other people genuinely. And when you have accepted yourself already, you should be regularly doing the #3 advice. 

3. Positive Self-talk

There was a person who told me that at the end of the day, nobody will be there on our side, except ourselves. This may seem kind of inconsiderate to others, but when a person thinks of himself negatively, who does he think will do it for him? And even when others commend him, a person with low self-esteem might be unable to accept appreciation and compliments from other people because he believes that he's not worth of all those admiration. Why? Because of negative self-talks. This might be a dumb advice, and it may seem hard to do but try to identify and write three things that you're good at, every day. Ponder some thoughts about it, appreciate yourself and tell yourself that you are worthy. of. every. compliment. (especially the ones that come from you) :)

4. Focus on what you can improve rather than what you can't

 If you learn to accept yourself, you can be able to improve the things you have rather than what you don't. Are you ashamed of your big nose and somebody make fun of you because it's natural but not-the-nose-they-see-on-TV. Welp, unless you go to a surgeon, there is nothing that you can do about it but accept it. And own it. Let go of things that are beyond your control and focus more on what you can control and improve them for your better. You can write down the areas within your limits for your reference. Later, you'll realize that your burden from overthinking your flaws will be lessened (bonus: you'll gain more confidence, thus more opportunities to embrace)

5. Avoid comparing yourself to others

This. Has. Destroyed. Many. People. 

Together with doubt and negative self-talks, a person with low self-esteem may repeatively compare himself to other people that will lead to more negative self-talks and self criticisms until his confidence is drained. Constant comparison of yourself to others may have you more irrational thoughts, self-criticisms, unacceptance and hatred for your own self and may even develop envy and hatred for other people. 

Be confident and be yourself. Someone out there appreciates your kind. But before everything, appreciate yourself first and avoid comparison. Our true value lies on how we define it for ourselves. 

--WAKAS--

References:

Feist & Roberts (2018). Theories of Personality. New York: McGraw-Hill Education

Boundless Psychology. Retrieved from https://www.boundless.com/psychology/textbooks/boundless-psychology-textbook/human-development-14/theories-of-human-development-70/erikson-s-stages-of-psychosocial-development-269-12804